Demential's Blog

Demential’s streaming video

demential — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 06:55:35 +0000

MY WEB CAM IS OFF LINE AND WILL BE OFF LINE OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS

Click on the image below for my live streaming video:

There’s a delay of about 20 seconds on the video that you see. I have muted the sound. You can see me only when I’m seating in front of my computer.

Diary: Tuesday, November 25, 2008

demential — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 06:53:31 +0000

It is now 1:53 AM. It has been a very long time since I have written anything, about 7 months. I have not felt like doing anything. I’m currently on a pschycotic state. My old me is talking to me, ordering me and giving me advice. I have not done my laundry in 4 months because my old me told me that if I was my laundry during the washing process my clothing will spy on me when I wear it. I have three huge piles of laundry. I keep buying underwear.

This morning at 9:30 PM someone, I believe a nurse, is going to make a home call on my apartment. She will find a mess because I have not thrown away the garbage in 12 days. Neither have I shaved or taken a shower and my bed is not done. I have been sleeping most of the time, I only get up to use the rest room and to eat. I’m very depressed with strong suicidal thoughts. I no longer feel like doing anything, it is such a drag to just be alive. I’m not sure how much longer I can endure this. My anti-depressant, Wellbutrin, was increased by 50%, now I take 600 MG per day but it takes time for it so reach its desired effect.

I now work part-time at a senior citizen assisted living retirement home. I have not gone to work on my past three scheduled days, too depressed to work or even get up from bed. ON my job I push the wheelchairs to/from dinner. I also empty the garbage from the rooms and assist some residents to get ready for bed by helping them put on their pajamas or night gown. I work off a written assignment list, otherwise I would be unable to remember because of the deteriorated state of my memory.

Diary: Wednesday, April 23, 2008

demential — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:29:29 +0000

It’s been a while since I have written anything on my blog, exactly two entire months since my last posting which was on February 23rd, 2008. Where do I start? With my sleeep. I have been sleeping 11-12 hours everyday and I’m no longer going to my group therapy sessions (Mon, Wed, Fri). I can say that I’ve been depressed over the past couple of months. I finally met my ex-wife L*z’ lover (I don’t call him boyfriend because that is when you have a formal engagement which they don’t have). My ex-wife did not want me at my daughter R*****h’s ninth birthday party. She claimed that I was not ready to meet her “boyfriend” at the party and that I would feel awkward in my old family home with some man that she’s in love with. The night before the party I ran into them while at Walmart and met her “boyfriend” K*n. I was rather shocked because he did not fit the profile I had envisioned of him. I just could not believe that she changed me for that person. He’s not even good looking! She claims she’s madly in love with him and him with her. I did not go to the birthday party, instead on my daughter’s birthday I picked her up and we had a very special day. For a few days after I met K*n I was rather disturbed, I’m not really sure why.

I’ve been having a shortage of cash. I had my ex-wife L*z loan me $300 and then another $150. I must find employment in order to supplement my income and eradicate the budget deficit that I have. I feel very stressed about finding a job, as I’m not sure how others will perceive me, as I look like someone that has a mental illness. I’m also not sure how I will perform, as even following simple directions are hard for me. My memory is bad, really bad. To be honest I don’t know what is today’s date without checking my calendar.

I have lost weight and I’m letting myself grow a full beard. Most of the beard is white (gray) and my sister and daughters are begging me to shave it off, as they say that it makes me look too old. The beard is staying on my face. I’m tired of others telling me what to do or what’s best for me.

On March 12th I went to S*********d, Ohio and met a 45 year old lady that I met through FaceBook.com. I went to her home and we then went to a Chinese restaurant to eat. I took her back to her home and then headed back to C******s, Ohio. That same week I had gotten an email from W***y, who wanted to date me.

Diary: Saturday, February 23, 2008

demential — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 07:44:25 +0000

It is now 2:10 AM. I had gotten up from bed at around 12:30 PM yesterday, as I had not slept well. I have been sitting at the computer since about 1:00 PM yesterday and I have only had a tuna fish sandwich to eat all day. I’ve had a couple glasses of grape juice, one glass of Coca-Cola and one glass of water. I have not had much of an appetite. A couple of days sgo I told everyone that I was traveling to visit my ex-wife L****a in the Boston area, but that I was not sure if I was going or not. Everyone except my father thinks that I’m in Boston. I like it like that because I hopefully will get no phone calls. I did speak to my father earlier yesterday, he was the one that actually awakened me when he was driving out from his doctor’s office and he called my cell phone.

I have been feeling very depressed and I feel like being alone, isolated. I don’t even feel like watching TV. Last Thursday I felt suicidal and I updated my necrological notice for the newspapers. Today I’m not suicidal, just very depressed and I have insomnia. I started taking Trazodone a couple of days ago but all it does it gives me a dry mouth. I also started taking an additional 100 mg of Wellbutrin, for a total of 400 mg of Wellbutrin for depression. I’m hoping that the medications help me with the major depression. I have been in pajamas for over 24 hours and I have just realized that I have not brushed my hair today. I’m re-starting to grow a goatee.

I started to type a book manuscript from 8-9 years ago into a Word template but I diverted myself to doing something else and I forgot I was doing that. I communicated via email with my ex-wife L****a several times in the evening. I was actually happy getting email from her.

Last week it was very detrimental for me going on two dates with W***y, who contacted me online. I was feeling very lonely because L****a was not communicating with me, to the point of disappointment and frustration. I made the radical decision to accept W****’s invitation and prove to myself that I’m still “wanted”. We went to dinner on both dates and also watched a movie on the second and last date. Nothing else happened with W***y. She decided to end it. I believe that the stress from those dates was the stressor in the regression of my symptoms and the re-incidence of my major depression. At this stage on my life I’m not able to handle any relationships, they produce too much stress on my life. I was not looking for a relationship with W***y just getting away from the loneliness.

I went to bed at 3:35 AM. As of 6:12 AM I was still awake laying in bed. I then kept falling asleep and then awakening, that happened abot 12-15 times. At 10:38 AM the cell phone rang but I did not answer it, it was my cousin C******s calling from Portland, Oregon. I did not feel like talking to anyone. I kept awakening a few more times and finally got up from bed at 12:28 PM not feeling sleepy. Went straight to the computer to check my email and update my diary. I still feel extremely depressed. I’m not hungry. I’m still on my pajamas and have not brushed my hair or my teeth.

Video: Normal: Living With Schizophrenia

demential — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 06:48:53 +0000

Diary: Thursday, February 21st, 2008

demential — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 19:41:43 +0000

It is now 2:29PM. It took me hours to get up from bed. For the past 2 weeks I have been very depressed, to the point of suicidal thoughts. I have been pursuing a long distance relationship with my ex-wife (second spouse). For the most part she has avoided answering my proposition of us getting back together, until last night when she responded that she would like to take it slowly. We have been communicating, but not about my proposition.

Late January and most of this month of February, my mental health has been improving, until this past weekend when some psychotic symptoms started again, after they were gone for about a month. I was so excited and now I’m so depressed. The symptoms are sporadic.

I want to go back to work but I don’t think that I can handle the stress from it. I do need to work to supplement my SSDI fixed income. The psychiatrist recommended that I try working part-time, starting by volunteering to see how I tolerate the stress.

Video: How it feels to be depressed

demential — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:30:57 +0000

Diary: Thursday, January 31, 2008

demential — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 00:04:50 +0000

Here I am, on the very last day of January 2008, with a retrospective look at my life during the past month. Earlier in the month, to be exact January 3rd, 2008, I was discharged from the hospital for crisis stabilization caused by hardly any sleep. I have been attending group therapy and individual therapy meetings. My sleep is still unmanageable.

Diary: Saturday, January 26, 2008

demential — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 20:25:17 +0000

It is now 3:12 PM. My daughters left about 2 hours ago. Shortly I will be going to my sister N***y’s house. This past week it has felt like a short week. I’ve been doing group therapy three times per week, plus seeing my case manager once per week and I also saw the nurse last week. Between sleeping and all my mental health appointments I hardly have any time left. My case manager has told me that the meetings are good so I can have some structure in my life. I feel that I’ve made progress but at the same time I have gotten somewhat worst as time has progressed. At times I feel like a zombie, other times like I’m just sitting there letting time pass other times I feel like I wish I wouldn’t be alive. It is a roller coaster of emotions. I have been operating mostly on my emotional mind. The reasonable mind and the wise mind have not formed part of my life during this past week. I hope that next week is different.

Diary: Saturday, January 19, 2008

demential — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 00:19:54 +0000

This is my first real post since I was discharged from the hospital. Overall I do feel much better than I felt in December 2007. No, I do not feel “normal”, I’m still having difficulty with sleeping. With the new anti-psychotics that I’m taking, Seroquel and Risperdal, I have gained about 8 pounds. We are in the middle of winter and I’m not able to pedal a few miles per day on my mountain bike. I’m so very much looking forward to spring. When I get hungry, especially late at night, I try to eat pop corn or some fruit. I’d like to believe that I have some self-control over my appetite.

I no longer have nightmares and I no longer hear voices. The only voice that I hear is my name being called at times during the day. It does not bother me, as I just ignore it. My memory is coming back and the confusion is not getting worst and I will venture to say that it is much, much better than last month. So I’m happy because there are positive things happening on my life. Some days I’m more depressed than others.

Today I saw Pastor J*m G*********z at the W*********e Public Library and I was rather shocked by the way he looked at me and his very different way of saying “hi!”. Not even a handshake! I felt like if I had a communicable disease, as when we saw each other we would give a warm handshake and talk. It no longer bothers me, but it shows once again the stigma that mental illness has in our society.

I do feel like if I have a second chance in my life. I’m in touch with the love of my life, my ex-wife (second wife). My days are filled with thinking about her and us. We communicate by email several times per day and we have even talked on the phone. She’s a Christian and is accepting of my mental illness. More than that, she’s encouraging and that is doing wonders for me, as I’m starting to feel better overall. She has a Juris Doctorate degree from H****d University School of Law in Washington, DC and recently graduated from the H*****d Graduate School of Education (HGSE) in Cambridge, MA with a Master of Education (Ed.M). She’s residing in the B****n area.

My immediate goal is to stay stable and improve my memory, concentration and get rid of most of the confusion.